The Philosophers' Cocoon

Grappling with responsibility for family relocations?

In our new "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

I'm curious if others have advice on some of the difficult feelings that can arise from feeling responsible for family member relocations. I recently got a job (yay!), which led my partner and I to move from a place we really liked to a place that we're still trying to figure out. The only reason we are in this place is because of my job, which is difficult in and of itself, but I find myself also feeling guilty for taking us away from the place we liked, as well as some burden for making our new place good for both of us.

My partner certainly had a say in where I applied for work and, ultimately, in whether we would move or not. There's just no easy way to be married to an academic though! Given how much my partner cares about my well-being, and how supportive they are of my dreams, it was pretty much a no-brainer that I would take the job that I did. So it's not like I feel like I "forced" the move to happen, exactly, but it still kind of feels like it would have been a pretty difficult veto.

Anyway, if you've had these sorts of emotions (or others!), I'd love hear about them, even if you never really found a cure.

I suspect that many academics empathize with the OP--I certainly do, though I'm not sure that I have any helpful advice to offer. Fortunately, my spouse and I are happy where we are now, but the early years definitely weren't easy on either of us moving away from friends and family. 

Do any readers have any tips or experiences to share?

Tips for first-time parents in academia?

It's been a while since I've posted personally asking for tips or advice. In part, this is because I've had no time! Last year, just before the start of the academic year, my spouse and I welcomed our first child into the world. It's been an incredible experience, indeed transformative in all of the ways that L.A. Paul's work explores--and in the best ways imaginable (I love being a father!). But, of course, it's also been profoundly challenging, in ways both expected and unexpected.

Anyway, I had sort of meant to post something last year asking for tips, but was never able to get around to it--and in any case my own experience is that there are kind of just several things one has to do the first year: survive, keep the baby happy and alive, and be as good, fair, and helpful of a partner as possible to your partner if you have one (especially when they are the birth parent). Now that summer has rolled around and things have settled down a bit, however, I'd really like to ask readers for tips/advice relating to parenthood in academia beyond the first year.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what the right questions to ask are. What I do know is that becoming a parent has (as it were) "changed everything"--so I'm curious to hear from other parents, particularly those in academic jobs, how it's changed their lives and priorities, how they balance everything, what it takes to be a good parent and partner (including being a good father and husband, given gender dynamics), etc. I could go on, and on (I also have questions related to being an older parent, as my spouse and I waited many years to have a child). But really I expect other people who've been parents in academia know far better than I do which questions and challenges I'm likely to face going forward, so I'd love to hear from anyone who thinks they may have helpful tips or perspective to share.

We did have a thread on tips for parents on the tenure-track a while back (a lot of which emphasized the importance of daycare, which we've been fortunate to find), but I'd really be grateful to hear more from those in the know!