Tips for international relocations with a partner?

In our most recent "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

Does anybody have advice on potential international relocations with a partner? I'm planning to apply for a phd program in North America and after that get back to my country (China). The problem is that my partner has a good job now and she prefers not to move. So I'd like to hear some advice on how realistic it is to get a temporal living in another country like the US, or advice on the predictable troubles on the horizon that we should really not get ourselves into.

Great question! Do any readers with experience have any helpful tips or other advice?

Comments

[A spouse]

For personal reasons it is nice if your partner can join you when you relocate. Long distance is a very big burden on a relationship. But look into the options before your partner moves. My partner and I had to get married in order to move to one country (this was years ago) - we had been together for 10 years +. And a partner's employment options can be limited. Even if, formally, they are not limited, the reality on the ground is quite different. A spouse with training in engineering can find employment where I am now; most others cannot.

[K]

I'm a bit confused: are both of you currently in China and you are asking how you can move to the US and have her visit you temporarily? Or are both of you currently in the US and you are asking whether you can stay in the US without having gotten into a program?

In either case, immigration status will be the biggest hurdle. You can probably be in the US for a few months on a visitor visa but there's an upper limit to how long you can stay. You also won't be able to work if that's an issue.

Obviously if you are serious about entering academia and serious about this partner then you should have a conversation about this. It's unlikely that you will conveniently get into a PhD program right next to where she works and then get a job right down the street from that.

[international]

It's a mess, don't do it. A PhD (e.g. in the US) is too long for long-distance, and if she does not want to move there will probably be a lot of resentment.

My partner and I are from different countries and we still haven't found a solution in several years. No joint household, no children. It helps if you have a lot of money and time to commute, and are on the same page when it comes to tele-communication.

[Tian]

I did my PhD for five years in the US while my partner stayed in China. It was hard. Some difficulties were harder than expected: conflicting timetables, separate social circles, different topics, etc. Others were unexpected: the pandemic, the changing job markets (for both of us), the changing plans, etc. You can do nothing when the other meets trouble; the time difference worsens it. All of those can create a huge problem for one's mental state and the relationship. Maybe others could do it well.

It would be better if you can live together. And I think immigration status is not a real problem as long as you are married. Or, she could apply for a master's program in your institution if possible. But still, you two need to plan for both and make sure you are on the same page.

[nope]

I would second what international and K say. But things might look different if your partner changes their mind and joins you (but even in that case there might be issues regarding immigration etc). It is tough…

[this is not legal advice]

In practical terms: if you get into a phd in the US you will most likely be granted an F or J visa (student visas). There are usually very few problems with these. Once you get into a program it's totally straightforward to get the immigration status required to live in the US for the duration of the program.

Both F and J visas prevent you from working for any employer other than your university and strictly limit hours that you can work. This is not something you want to bend the rules on. Working illegally can get you banned from entering the US (even as a tourist) for many years hence. So be prepared to earn your PhD stipend and *only* your stipend for those years.

You say your partner doesn't want to move. If they changed their mind, there are some straightforward ways they could join you in the US. Both the J visa and the F visa allow an associated 'dependent' visa for a spouse. You'd need to have documentation of your relationship (be married, have joint financials, etc). If you think it's possible she will change her mind and want to join you, it would be worth looking into the differences between F and J visas when first you get admitted into a program, in case one would be better for your needs as a couple later on.

If you ultimately get an academic job in the US, the employer will likely sponsor your visa, and in some cases you can again attach a dependent (e.g. the H1B allows this. Not all employers will sponsor an H1B, however, especially for postdocs).

All that said, if your partner will certainly not want to move in the next 5 years I echo others' warnings. I've also done big distance relationships. They're really hard! 5 years (minimum) in separate countries, plus the vicissitudes of the job market after that ... the probabilities are *very low* that you'll get an academic job in China once the PhD is done, even if you are a totally outstanding candidate, and even if you do, it often takes an additional 3-4 years of post-doc'ing around. So that's 8-10 years of distance and uncertainty in your relationship during a pretty crucial point in your lives for deciding things like do we want kids, do we want to get married, where do we want to 'settle down'. It's tough out there <3

[Peter Finocchiaro]

I agree with most of the advice in this thread. However, I'm not sure on what basis "this is not legal advice" says that it'll be hard to get an academic job in China once the PhD is done. It's hard to guarantee anything in philosophy, of course. But it is generally speaking much easier to return to China with a good CV from a good program.