Grappling with responsibility for family relocations?

In our new "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

I'm curious if others have advice on some of the difficult feelings that can arise from feeling responsible for family member relocations. I recently got a job (yay!), which led my partner and I to move from a place we really liked to a place that we're still trying to figure out. The only reason we are in this place is because of my job, which is difficult in and of itself, but I find myself also feeling guilty for taking us away from the place we liked, as well as some burden for making our new place good for both of us.

My partner certainly had a say in where I applied for work and, ultimately, in whether we would move or not. There's just no easy way to be married to an academic though! Given how much my partner cares about my well-being, and how supportive they are of my dreams, it was pretty much a no-brainer that I would take the job that I did. So it's not like I feel like I "forced" the move to happen, exactly, but it still kind of feels like it would have been a pretty difficult veto.

Anyway, if you've had these sorts of emotions (or others!), I'd love hear about them, even if you never really found a cure.

I suspect that many academics empathize with the OP--I certainly do, though I'm not sure that I have any helpful advice to offer. Fortunately, my spouse and I are happy where we are now, but the early years definitely weren't easy on either of us moving away from friends and family. 

Do any readers have any tips or experiences to share?

Comments

[academic migrant]

I strongly empathise with you. So here's my advice. First, try to apply for early advancement and get paid more if you can. The country I moved to is, well, poor, and furthermore forces us to pay this thing called immigration healthcare surcharge. We will eventually financially recover, but for the first year, we were in a financially tight position, and will probably still be in such a position until I reach senior lectureship. (I had to apply for parental scholarship to survive.) Second, be very specific in applying for places that would increase your living quality. Third, depending on where and who you are, you and your partner may or may not face racism (or incompetency, we really can't tell) on a daily basis. If your partner doesn't like dealing with people, you should do a bit more. Lastly, if you don't have kids, try to save up a bit and plan for travels. Some academics plan this with conferences. Also check whether it is financially feasible to visit your or their home country occasionally.

[It's hard]

Sympathy. I would add that somewhat similar feelings arise even when your partner is also an academic. For example if one gets an offer for a long-term job in a different country, there'll be difficult questions such as: do we make this into a long-distance relationship, and for how long? do we both move there and the other person has to give up their current position and just figure something out? Even for short-term positions, there may be difficult decisions about whether to pass on a professional opportunity, or whether to leave apart for a year or two.
Either way, I think it's very important for everyone to voice their feelings and communicate consistently. You might well end up changing your mind by talking, or reaching a compromise, and it may take a lot of back and forth. But imo it should be and feel like a family/partnership decision so as to avoid future resentment.

[sahpa]

I also felt these feelings when dragging my partner around for my (relatively) short-lived chase for a permanent academic job. In many respects, these feelings are apt and symptomatic/constitutive of your appreciation of what the two of you, and what your partner alone, have been sacrificing for your career. You have left a place you liked; your partner is doing this for your sake. I suspect you are absolutely right that they would have had a 'pretty difficult veto', and I think you appreciate how complicated their choice was.

I would go even further and say that your feeling that you have some special burden to make the new place good for the both of you is accurate. I think you do have that burden, to some (reasonable) extent.

I am not sure guilt is apt here, since I don't see evidence that you've wronged your partner. But a weighty appreciation of what this choice cost? Good!

I am not exactly sure what you are asking from us, but I offer you sympathy, and validation, for your feelings. No cure. But these feelings ought not be cured.

Good luck!

[academic migrant]

Just to add, I think OP doesn't yet have kids from what was written. I do feel that I have dragged my kids into a country ripe with racism and has a dysfunctional national health service. So I think the apt thing to do is to build a stronger profile and try to move to a better place.

[OP Here]

OP Here:

These comments are really helpful! One thing I've taken from them is that, even if I weren't an academic, the dynamic we have to confront is one that is really common. In so many life choices, the needs of both partners will be taken into account, but, at the end of the day, the decision may meet one person's needs much more than the others. It's perhaps naive to think that, over the course of a multi-decade partnership, every decision can be one that works well for each person. Instead, it seems inevitable that each partner makes sacrifices for the other, and this sacrifice might not be "entirely equal" by some calculations.

I also accept that I have a special burden to make the new place good for both of us. That actually helps articulate a feeling that I've been having for the past couple months. Part of that is financial, in terms of trying to make as much money as I can and advance quickly in my career. I also take it to be social, in terms of doing what I can to help find ourselves community and networks that are supportive.

I think the hardest point, which is raised by @academic migrant, is racism. Racism is everywhere, of course, and we've managed to avoid places that are overwhelmingly and unbearably racist. That said, racism is much more of a problem where we live now than where we used to live. There's very little I can do about the racism we encounter here, and it's really depressing, frustrating, and demoralizing. Perhaps this just gives me/us all the more motivation to be in continual communication about what we want to happen when, and where we might want to be next!

[It's hard]

I would add: it's also okay to change your plans at some point. You might end up loving where you move to, or surprisingly really disliking it or finding it hard for whatever reason. Things that seemed doable (just one example: learning the local language) may turn out to be a massive burden. Or viceversa, you might find just the right neighbourhood in your new place and not want to move even if you were planning to. Good luck to everyone who's dealing with this!

[academic migrant]

Sharing a bit more, it's relatively easy for me to brush off the everyday racism (expect when it comes from university compulsory training). Whenever I feel that someone is unhappy about my skin colour or the possibility that people like me are using their welfare without working and taking away their jobs at the same time, I feel proud that I make these people feel that way. But it's a lot harder for the partner, and I think the older kid is starting to feel hostility from some local kids. (It does amaze me that some local kids already display hostility towards nursery teachers of different skin colours.) My kids are not old enough to pity the kids of racist.

[sahpa]

Hi OP, with respect, I don't quite see why one of things you've taken from these comments is "even if I weren't an academic, the dynamic we have to confront is one that is really common". Academia is notorious among the highly educated professions for requiring job seekers to be maximally geographically flexible and transient for many years. I worry you're diminishing, a bit, your partner's sacrifices by assimilating them to 'normal'.

[looking ahead]

I'm going on the market in the fall and grappling with the anticipation of what you describe: even in the best case scenario (I find a job!), everything about our current lives changes--we have to move, we'll miss our friends and way of life here, and future job opportunities for my partner will be complicated/fewer. In short: I sympathize, and I wish you and your partner the best.

In response to sahpa: OP was just pointing out that people in other industries might have the same struggle. I don't know why that would count as diminishing their partner's sacrifices (the fact that other people have to make the same sacrifices? Is the idea that their partner's sacrifice is less "unique"? Why does that matter to the value of their experience?)

[sahpa]

@looking ahead: it's true they *might* have similar struggles -- a claim so weak it is virtually guaranteed, and beside the point anyway. I was and am puzzled how the OP took from our comments the claim that this stuff is really common even outside academia. Nobody said anything of the sort as far as I can tell. I

I already explained why that might be diminishing their partner's sacrifices. I would just be repeating myself at this point. Suffice to say I didn't say anything at all about their sacrifices being 'unique', as I think even a cursory review of my comment will show.

[Prof L]

sahpa, it's not unique. While of course many people never encounter this kind of choice in a marriage, it's extremely common. People move across counties (or to different countries) for corporate jobs, military jobs, for a residency or graduate school, for any number of reasons that might mean uprooting their lives for the sake of the other person's career ... Maybe there is a unique combination of bad elements in academia (lots of moves combined with low pay, tons of uncertainty, dubious payoff), but that kind of sacrifice in a relationship is very common. It doesn't diminish it to say that lots of people do it---lots of people do very difficult things. It is nevertheless admirable and also puts a strain on a relationship.

[sahpa]

Prof L, please review my two comments, including the one where I explained myself again and stated clearly that I wasn't claiming academia is unique in this respect. If you still think I am claiming it is unique, I can do nothing more for you.