Grappling with errors in using students' pronouns?

In our March "how can we help you?" thread, a reader asks:

I've had this question for a while and hesitated to ask for fear of an unhelpful thread, but here goes.

I am deeply committed to using correct pronouns for my students. I've tried many different strategies to ensure that I do so. Sadly, and embarrassingly, and with much shame, I must admit that I still come up short far more often than I'd like. Perhaps I am too hard on myself, because I think it's morally wrong (and hurtful and oppressive) for me to fail on even one occasion. Either way, I really want to do better in this regard and am not sure how to proceed.

I'm interested in hearing 1) if others have had similar issues and 2) any tips as to how one might be more successful in this particular area. Thanks!

This is a good query, and I empathize (I've slipped up on occasions myself). Fortunately, I'm confident that we can have a helpful discussion given the Cocoon's mission and moderating standards.

Are any readers able to weigh in on (1) and/or (2)?

Comments

[Assc prof]

My strategy is to avoid third-person pronouns as much as possible. I memorize my students' names as quickly as possible. In a pinch you can use "you" by switching back to the student in question when you would have referred to them while talking to a different student. And I don't think it's immoral to use "they/them" in a pinch when you don't know, or don't remember, someone's pronouns (especially early on after meeting them). In addition to being some people's preferred pronoun, it has functions as a pronoun in cases of ignorance, indefiniteness, etc.

[cecil burrow]

I have no idea why someone would think it's morally wrong to slip up even once. If it's clear that you're making an effort and apologize when you screw up, I've never seen a case where offense was taken.

[Tenured now]

Re 1, yup, I have absolutely gotten this wrong before - I ask students their pronouns in an optional personal info survey I do at the beginning of the semester, but since I often have 80-100 students per semester, I sometimes mess up, just as I sometimes mess up when trying to learn any of my students' names.

Re 2 (and this has been heavily influenced by lots of conversations with one of my grad students, who is nonbinary and very involved with queer life on campus - shout out to them!), here's what I am going for: Make perfection the aim but not the expectation. Make it public that this is an issue that you care about and that you are trying on, but when you almost invariably do screw up, limit your response to a quick apology and correction that moves the original conversation along ("Sorry, of course. When Sarah said X, *they* might have meant one of two things...."). Try to make the aim reinforcing that your students are members of the community whose gender identity you respect and recognize, rather than on castigating yourself for doing a morally bad thing - because if you focus on yourself and messing up, then you end up putting pressure on students to reassure you and make you feel better.

It's been helpful for me to think about pronouns as (at least in this way) akin to racism. I am going to say or think or do some inadvertently racist shit because all of the things I've spent a lifetime learning. Of course I want to do my best to be aware of it and avoid doing it, and of course I try - but at the end of the day it's way better to focus outward on trying to do what I can to change the system and to make the people around me feel supported and welcome, than to focus inward on my own purity or failure.

[Derek Bowman]

Just to add emphasis to Tenured-now's very good advice:

Focusing on your feelings of shame or making a big deal of apologizing centers you and not the students you're trying to respect and support.

[Nonbinary PhD Student]

I am a nonbinary PhD student! Here is some advice:

1) Please (everyone) put your pronouns in your email signature. It is not virtue signally to do so - it is an *actual* signal to queer students that you care about this sort of thing and doing so will help them feel more comfortable correcting you if needed (speaking from experience!)

2) Be *extra* careful when using nonbinary students in examples in class. The following situation happened to me *a lot* during my coursework: Well-meaning professor uses me in a hypothetical example to make a point e.g., "Suzy took Sasha's muffin" but bc they are thinking about the details of the case they end up misgendering me (sometimes again, and again, and again for several minutes). It's not that I was devastated by this, but it's just super awkward, especially in grad school where everyone else in the class knows you and we are all just feeling awkward together. However, it felt *great* when I had professors consistently use the correct pronouns (so, once you really get used to using someone's pronouns and are careful about it, it can be very affirming).

3) I am trying to default to they/them for everyone for my undergrads unless they would prefer something else. It's becoming more normal for people to do that (though it's hard - and I am nonbinary myself lol!! definitely a years-long process)

In the end, if people know you care and are trying, the above comments are right that I don't think anyone will be offended. There is one very famous moral philosopher (ironic) in my department who never even tries, and has said he won't (b/c he's "too old"..... please reproach any of your colleagues who say this....). When he misgenders me, I am offended.

[OP]

OP here: This is all very helpful. To be a bit more specific about my issue, it's not that I forget a student's pronouns, it's that I somehow automatically use the pronoun that some part of my brain associates with their presentation, even though maybe a higher part of my brain knows that this is not accurate.

I also agree that quick apologies are very well-taken. I also think it's clear to my students that I am completely committed to doing everything I can to be supportive and create an inclusive environment.

When all is said and done, I guess I've just been surprised at how often I still make mistakes, and even how hard it has been to "get better", where "get better" is to not automatically use a pronoun that some part of my brain associates with a particular presentation. I would think that, over many years, I could stop the immediate associations, but they have been very, very stubborn.

Thanks again!

[queer here]

Hi OP, it takes practice. You seem pretty dedicated to getting this right, so I would suggest (in the same way that you might try to memorize students' names at the beginning of the semester) try making up some sentences with your student's name and pronouns and practice using them together a few times. Do this as much and as often as you need to reinforce the association.

There's no shame in being taught by social norms to associate certain presentations and pronouns. It takes work to unlearn this stuff!

[LittleJim]

Am I wrong for taking an approach which avoids using pronouns in my undergraduate classes? I just moderate the discussion by saying, "what do you think about this other (referring to someone's) point?" or "how do you think about the suggestion from over hear" referring back to the previous speaker, etc. I don't have to use any pronouns this way and class proceeds just fine. This enables me to avoid having to learn pronouns for 35 students in each of my classes which would just be really hard for me. I've never had anyone complaints about this and I'm inclined to think it's a permissible form of semantic ascent perhaps.