Burnout and work-life boundaries

A reader writes in:

I am a big believer in the benefits of treating graduate school as a 9-5 job as a way of preventing burnout. While I have found that I am decent at following the letter of the law, I am not so good at following the spirit of the law. By this I mean that while I don't often actively work on projects in the evening, I cannot turn my mind off. I keep thinking about all the things I need to be working on and it has started interfering with my family life. I am not as present at home with my daughter or wife as I want to be. As a grad student, I know I have it the easiest now as I ever will. Should I be lucky enough to get a TT job, I will only be teaching more classes, with additional service duties, and more publishing pressures. Keeping a work/life balance will be even harder. 

I use some of the tactics that are often suggested for keeping a boundary between work and home. For instance, I keep a notebook with copious to-do lists and make a to-do list for the following day before I go home. I have longer term to-do lists for semester long projects as well. The goal is to externalize my projects and take them off my mind, but I still find myself thinking and worrying about them. I've started meditating and trying to visualize putting my work away until tomorrow, but I haven't been doing that long enough to see if it is effective. Are there any other tactics you or your readers have found helpful at turning your mind off from work for the night?  

I think this is a really important query. In my experience, this is one of the most difficult parts of being an academic. I struggled with it while I was on the job-market (the market was basically on my mind 24/7), I struggled with it once I finally got a TT job (stressing about publishing, teaching, etc.), and I still struggle with it today. Like this reader, I have actually set pretty firm limits on my workday. I only work from 9-5pm on weekdays, and I self-enforce a nearly categorical commitment to never work on weekends (sole exceptions being hard deadlines that necessitate it). I began this practice many years ago while still in a non-TT position, and it worked wonders. However, I've still always struggled with mentally distancing myself from work and not allowing work stresses to compromise my free time (viz. preoccupation when out with friends, etc.).

That being said, allow me to share a few things that I've found helpful and then open up the discussion for other suggestions from readers!

One thing that I found helpful when I was on the job-market was practicing mindfulness. When I was on the job-market, my spouse was still a PhD student in a very good nearby psychology program. She told me that mindfulness has been found to have clinically significant physical and mental benefits, including reductions in depression, stress, and anxiety--and as luck would have it some researchers in her program were carrying out some kind of study or other and were looking for participants. While I was pretty skeptical and there are critics of mindfulness and mindfulness research, I took part in it and much to my surprise I found that it really seemed to help! Basically, mindfulness consists in making concerted efforts to focus on the present: on what you are doing right here and right now, including focusing on sensations (such as sights, sounds, smells, touch, and so on). So, for example, when I would go on my daily walks with my dog--a time where I would usually ruminate to no end on the job-market, etc.--I made myself focus on the world around me: on the sky, on my dog, on the cool air against my skin, and so on. Whenever outside thoughts (e.g. on the job-market) would intrude upon my mind, I would again make a concerted effort to focus on the now. Similarly, when I would get home and work on cooking dinner (another time that, yes, I would often ruminate on the job-market), I would make myself focus on what I was doing: the smell of the garlic I was chopping, and so on. In all honesty, I found it tremendously helpful. But it does take a concerted effort to do it and keep doing it.

Another thing I've increasingly found helpful are hobbies. As longtime readers may know, I spent much of my life during my undergrad and grad school years as a semi-professional musician. Because music was proving to be a distraction from finishing my PhD, I actually ended up giving it up for a number of years (including selling all of my instruments) in order to finish my degree and succeed on the job-market. Although I ultimately did end up with a tenure-track job, giving up music gave my little else to focus on besides work and all of the preoccupations associated with it. Ever since getting tenure I've gotten back into music, and it has proven to be a godsend. I often now spend most of my weekends composing and recording music, and it basically enables me to immerse myself in something I find purely enjoyable and get my mind entirely off work. Finally, although I didn't realize it then, I really could have taken up music again years ago, back when I was on the market (because, again, I had a policy of never working on weekends even back then). So, that's a second thing I would suggest to our reader: if you don't have a hobby--something you just enjoy, period--consider picking one up. It can be a wonderful way to immerse yourself in something positive that gets your mind away from work.

One final thing I've found helpful is prioritizing social interaction. During grad school and my time on the market, I had a tendency to withdraw from people because I was so stressed out. I've also seen other academics I've known cope in a similar manner. The problem is, or so I now think, withdrawing from people only gives you more time to ruminate. These days, my wife and I (who are both academics) try to make it a priority to talk and hang out in the evening, for instance while one of us is cooking--whereas we used to 'decompress' by watching TV or whatever. I find this helps. Similarly, I'm now part of a local reading group among philosophers who try to meet once per month. Although this is related to work, we also make it into a low-key social thing and I find it a great deal of fun. Otherwise, though, I try to keep these kinds of interactions away from work. For example, my wife and I quickly find that I we talk about work, then we just end up stressed--so better to talk about other things, such as the movie we just watched, or other stuff going on in our lives.

Anyway, these are just a few things I've found helpful. Like I said at the outset of this post, I have by no means solved this issue (i.e. work preoccupation, etc.), and it remains a constant struggle. But I'm glad our reader raised the issue, as I know it's one many of us struggle with--and I hope we can have a good discussion in the comment section below. Do any of you have any suggestions or things you've found helpful in in separating yourselves from work?

Comments

[Brad Cokelet]

Yes, these challenges will continue and intensify so you are wise to start tackling them now!

Here are some things that have worked for me - good luck and keep experimenting to find what works for you.

**Plan a way to make the psychological shift**

Build in some time and activity that will help you transition from philosophy mode to family mode. You have different roles and different dispositions are required for you to play them well. Our minds are not built to naturally switch from one mode to another just because we are in the different environment.

I have found that to make the transition it helps to take a walk on the way home and to get into a habit of shifting my thinking around a half way point. On the first half, think about what you did at work, what you want to start with the next day, etc. Focus on logistics, not ideas or big picture to-do items. At the half way point on the walk turn your thinking to logistics related to your family role. This can be things about what you will make for dinner, what you want to ask your partner about the house, what you might have fun doing with your kid when you walk in the door, etc. Again focus on near term logistics and things you want to discuss, not long-term issues. Then you can get yourself literally thinking in the "family" mode on the way to the house. And you can then enter the house primed to help or interact with someone who has been doing heavily lifting at home & not feel like this is such a hard shift for you.

I think the physical activity helps, but presumably you could do this at the gym (with a timer for the half way point) or you could go for a short walk after your drive home.

** Realism about trying to play several roles well **

You are trying to develop and embody dispositions that will make you a good scholar, good teacher, good parent, and good spouse. (at least). Be realistic. You cannot pull off all of this at once. Accept that you might not be the ideal kind of parent, scholar, teacher, and spouse you would like to be.

- Try to be honest about what it would take to fulfill these roles in a *decent* or *passable* way. If you find yourself obsessing about work at home or home at work as yourself whether the standard behind the worry is (e.g.) "excellent/good scholar" or "decent scholar". Many of us are perfectionists and we are neurotically worrying about meeting the ideal when that might not be realistic or a wise goal given our overall values.

- Try to figure out which roles you care about/value the most. If you care more about being good or excellent in one more than the others then you might have to accept not being totally happy with how you fare in the other domains.

- If you are doing a decent job at playing all of these roles, do not beat yourself up when you are struggling to be good/excellent in one or more domain.

** Mindfulness **
I second Marcus' recommendation of mindfulness meditation. You might like *The Miracle of Mindfulness* by Thich Naht Hahn because it features, in the early more practical chapters, a man who is trying to find work life balance when he is a father.

[4/4 loader]

I echo what Marcus has said, especially about hobbies.

On the other hand, for a counterpoint...

OP wrote,

“As a grad student, I know I have it the easiest now as I ever will. Should I be lucky enough to get a TT job, I will only be teaching more classes, with additional service duties, and more publishing pressures. Keeping a work/life balance will be even harder.”

I think OP is right about this in the sense that, when you have a TT job, you have a lot more stuff to do—your list of things you need to accomplish is longer. That has been true for me. However, there is no question that it’s also been much easier to maintain a balance in my life since I got a job. The reason is that my to-do list isn’t tinged (=drenched) with anxiety about not being able to provide for my family, and everything else that goes along with that. I used to have a really hard time not thinking about work all the time, but I see now that that was because I was so worried about not getting a job. Now I can go home and be peaceful and it’s a lot easier to turn off my brain.

Just my experience, anyway.

[OP grad student]

This is all very helpful. Thank you to everyone who has chimed in so far.

Marcus, you bring up some very good points about hobbies and socializing. I used to play music myself, but have barely touched my bass since graduating undergrad -- nearly 10 years ago. I've tried picking it up again time and again, but I've found trying to practice effectively was causing me more anxiety (another thing to add to my to do list) and I was so rusty that I couldn't just play and have fun. I used to play competitive rugby, but retired due to injuries and the time commitment. I occasionally play board games with my friends outside my program, but it's been several months. I need to pick that back up again and make it a regular part of my schedule.

Brad, I really appreciated the suggestion of making the psychological shift by thinking about concrete logistical things that I did at work and that I will do with my family. I tried that as I walked my daughter home from daycare today and it had an immediate noticeable effect on my frame of mind. I'm also committing myself to practicing mindfulness. It's slow going (as to be expected), but I'm keeping up with it.

4/4 loader, it is very reassuring to hear your perspective, thank you. I never even thought about the connection of my anxiety to being able to provide (or more equitably contribute) to my family's finances, but it makes a lot of sense.

Thank you all!

[Amanda]

I post here a lot about how, depending, on your life situation, it is okay to work a lot, i.e., more than 40 hours a week and it's okay to work on nights and weekends if your personal life allows for it. I never have worked 9 to 5. However, I still think that however much you are working, if you are unhappy and feel like you are working too much then your probably are, and you almost certainly aren't working smart enough. I get 9 to 5 is a schedule that works for a lot of people, especially with young families. So if it works, good. But something for some people to think about is if different hours fit your personality better, then try it it if this is compatible with your situation. Take advantage of academic freedom in a way that helps you, since the job is pretty stressful for most.

For this poster:

I took on too many responsibilities this year and I am very much regretting it. But I have no choice but to get through because the consequences of not doings so are too severe. It will probably take until May. I have never been a position before where I don't have time to see friends, and where I flake out on people who are important to me. It is not good. Right now the only thing I do consistently besides work is exercise. This completely refocuses my mind and makes me feel much better, probably better than I should feel given my dumb life choices. Evidence suggests exercise does this for most people. Some people don't like exercise and for them I think they just need to think outside the box - go hiking, take a class, go kayaking, I think most people can find something they like. I would suggest the poster try to get in30 minutes to an hour of exercise after work and seeing if that will help you be less stressed and more present with your family. Also if you can afford an hour a week of therapy that might help too. Many grad insurance packages are very generous so take advantage of that. Good luck.

[a philosopher]

I want to second what Amanda said, with a few additional thoughts.

The OP grad student says, "While I have found that I am decent at following the letter of the law, I am not so good at following the spirit of the law."

While you need to give everything an honest try, perhaps this is now a sign that 9-5 isn't the most effective strategy for you. Like Amanda, 9-5 isn't for me, and perhaps isn't for you? I'd take advantage of the flexibility in my schedule: family and friends time doesn't just have to be after 5 and on the weekends. I would focus on weekly family events (e.g., picking kids up from school, kid's orchestra practice, whatever) that really matter. Try structuring your life around those, plus your grad school deadlines. However the timing and hours fall is how they fall. That might mean working some late nights after family events, but if that kind of flexibility allows you to clear your mind for a quality few hours in the middle of the day or early evening with your family, why is it bad?

The idea here is the whole point of the 9-5 schedule is to achieve work-life balance, i.e. being able to focus on work when it's work time and life when it's life time. But if letting yourself work late at night (new work time) allows you to focus on family earlier in the evening, aren't you achieving the same end? What's bad, and drives the 9-5 advice, is working all the time. I'm not suggesting you work all the time, but that you instead divide your day up differently: don't structure it by the clock, in terms of times, but by events and deadlines. If I know that I'm supposed to meet a friend for a beer at 8pm, I make sure that I end my work at a time and in a way that lets me relax for that beer.

I guess the idea is: It would be hard for me to stop thinking about work just because it's some arbitrary time (5pm, the end of the work day). But it's easy to stop thinking of work when it's time to do something else, like meetup with friends, visit family, etc.

I also second the exercise stuff, which largely changed my life at the end of grad school. For years people had told me that it would help, but I blew them off. It was one of those transformative experiences. Nothing clears my head quite like vigorous exercise. It could be a good sort of transition, e.g. work 9-5, exercise, then family the rest of the night.