What it is like to be a VAP

I'm going to follow up on my proposal to begin a series, "What is it like?", with a posting on what it is like to be a VAP (i.e. a non tenure-track "Visiting Assistant Professor"). I hope, again, that other contributors post on what it is like to be them, and that readers submit their stories as well. Anonymized stories will be accepted and posted, provided they satisfy this blog's safe-and-supportive  mission.

What follows is a brief discussion of what life has been like for me as a VAP. I will try to describe the experience as even-handedly as possible. I will try to describe my day to day life, what I enjoy about it, and the things I don't. I'll simply be honest about what it's like for me.

I have been been in two VAP positions since finishing my PhD at the University of Arizona in 2008. I started out in a VAP at the University of British Columbia. It was a tough year. Finally making some real money was awesome -- and my colleagues at UBC were great and supportive -- but I was away from my fiance (now my wife), which was awful, and learning how to publish and teach were real challenges. Publishing was tough because, well, I had never done it before. I spent just about every minute of the day I wasn't teaching slaving away on my office computer at paper drafts that went nowhere (to this day, none of the stuff I was working on at UBC has survived). In terms of the publishing game, I felt like someone threw me into the ocean without a life-preserver. I started to panic, because I knew I had to publish to get a TT job. That is when I got insomnia, which crippled me for my first three years out of grad school (but which, fortunately, is very well-treated now). The insomnia -- which I am certain to this day is stress-induced -- was so bad that I literally didn't sleep for days on end (for about three years, I would go between 2-4 days at a time without a wink of sleep). It was that bad. I remember driving to a convenience store in the rain and a daze at 3am to get sleeping pills. They didn't work. I then remember panicking right before the social-political philosophy class I had to teach the next day because I realized I would be standing in front of 100 students and I was half-incoherent. Although I had received excellent teaching reviews throughout grad school (I taught a ton in graduate school), let me tell you: none of your teaching experience in grad school prepares you for what it is like to teach 2-4 lecture classes during the semester. Prepping for 2-4 classes a term, carrying them out, and trying to publish -- all at the same time -- are a rude-awakening. You think grad school is hard? Being a professor (even a VAP) is way, way harder. Oh, and be prepared for students to challenge you. It happened in graduate school, but in my experience it is worse when you're a new professor. I had one student verbally assault me for how I graded his paper. It was awful. But hey, in the Spring I got my first publication, a reply in JESP. Let me tell you: there's nothing like your first pub. Even if it's a small one, you don't have to wake up every morning worrying that you'll never publish. Now you only have to worry that you'll never publish again. Seriously, that's what you'll do! ;) 

Although UBC was a very good gig, and Vancouver was a nice place to live -- well, aside from the two months straight it rained (I kid you not: I woke up every morning for two months to it pouring outside!) -- my fiancee couldn't move to Canada, so I tried to find a job in the States. I did. I got lucky and got another VAP at the University of Tampa. 

Tampa is beautiful. I love living here. The weather is great, the campus is beautiful, and they treat us well. But things did not start out well. My fiancee and I moved into what seemed to be an upscale apartment complex. It was far and away the worst decision I've ever made. The place is a bona fide slum. Don't take it from me. People have been killed there, it was so poorly constructed that you could hear people breathing in the apartment adjascent to your bedroom. And then there were the college students partying out on their balconies every night until 4am (sometimes 7am) in the morning. My insomnia returned, and day-to-day life was so stressful that my relationship with my fiancee/wife almost ended. 

The stress and insomnia carried over into work. Teaching at UT was a far cry from what it was like at UBC. Instead of teaching two 100-200 student lecture classes for 50 minutes apiece like I was at UBC, I was now teaching a 3-3 load of 20-25 student classes, each of which meet for two hours twice a week (I teach for six hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays). I'll tell you this: the teaching strategies I learned at UBC did not work at all. I was prepping more than ever before (all day Monday and Wednesday), but my teaching reviews were abysmal. Life was hell. I started looking on job boards for other lines of work. I really thought I wasn't cut out for this.

Slowly, though, things began to change for the better. I attended a teaching workshop which emphasized the "flipped classroom" -- i.e. getting students to do more work in the classroom, rather than being the "sage on the stage." My wife and mother also suggested that instead of working myself into the ground prepping for classes, I should prioritize getting students to work. I did. I now spend 1/3 of my 2-hour classes discussing mandatory reading responses students prepare, another 1/3 having students do group work in the classroom, and the final 1/3 giving a lecture. It has worked wonders. My student evaluations have soared, and more importantly, my students are improving beyond my wildest dreams. Getting them to work -- to do philosophy themselves, both in the classroom and at home -- works wonders.

I also dramatically changed my research philosophy. Doing what everyone else does -- trying to produce uber-rigorous work on small, targeted topics (typically on what others have written in top journals) -- didn't get me very far. Truth be told, getting me to do this kind of work well has always been a bit like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. What I had always been good at, both as an undergraduate and as a graduate student, was seeing problems differently. Although I'm thankful for the rigor that graduate school hammered into me -- because I do think it is important to be clear and rigorous -- I've never been as enamored with rigor as most people in our profession seem to be. A lot of academic philosophy has always seemed to me to be a contest of "who's smarter than who." That's not what I'm interested in. I'm interested in truth, and I think insight above all gets at truth. Kant's philosophy, for instance, is a mess -- but it's profoundly insightful. And there were far, far more brilliant physicists and mathematicians than Einstein -- yet what made him great is that he saw things differently. I do not mean to compare myself in any way to these people. I'm just trying to express what I value, and why I value it.

Anyway, I stopped caring much about what people were writing in top journals. I was reading a bunch of biographies at the time, and came across the following quote from Einstein: "Reading after a certain age diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking." I followed it. Aside from teaching, I mostly stopped reading and just started thinking. In teaching Kant, I just tried to come up with a simple and intuitive understanding of what Kant is up to, and I came up with an idea that led to this. In teaching free will in my intro course, I got sick of the usual theories (compatibilism, incompatibilism), wanted to come up with something better to interest my students, toyed around with ideas in the classroom, and came up with this. I taught a course on human rights, and came up with this. All of a sudden philosophy was fun again.

One of the nicest things about being a VAP in a very small department (I only have two philosophy colleagues) is that I stopped feeling like I needed to impress people. I think I suffered from this in grad school and at UBC. I was always so worried that my ideas were no good that as soon as I shared them with people, people usually shot them down, depressing me and leading me to think I'm no good. At UT, I got away from this. I just started enjoying philosophy again, and I'm incredibly thankful that I have. In this regard, being in a VAP can be wonderful.

At the same time, there are tough things about being in a VAP. As I see it, TT jobs require specialization. If you get a TT job at an R1 school, you're encouraged to devote almost all of your energy to research. If you're at the typical SLAC (including UT), you're encouraged to devote the vast majority of your time to teaching and student experience. In a non-TT job, you have to bust your butt to do it all, so that (hopefully) you can land a TT job. In addition to teaching a 3-3 (with unusually long 2-hour class times apiece) and doing research, I have elected to:

• Serve on two university committees
• Supervise the philosophy club
• Supervise another student club
• Volunteer to teach a year-long freshman "gateways" transition-to-college course
• Serve as my department's assessment coordinator
• Coach two debate teams
• Advise 50 or so students

I'm probably leaving things out (oh right: there are the 100 or so job applications you have to send out annually, and, perhaps, running a blog;). Anyway, work is my entire life. It is not uncommon for me to have 12-hour workdays. I have a ton of grading, because I have students in all of my classes submit two assignments per day (individual assignments plus group assignments). I mostly spend the weekends recuperating. I have no friends. Not one -- though I am very friendly with my colleagues (I just hardly see them outside of work). My wife has some friends, and sometimes we do things with them -- but I have no time for any of my own. It sucks.

You know what also sucks? Waking up every single morning feeling bad about yourself. I don't mean to be melodramatic. You (or at least I) really feel this way. I work "my tail to the bone" and yet I wake up every day with very little hope. Every once and a while a student asks me "when I come up for tenure." I have to cleverly brush aside the question. And then there's the Eastern APA. I'm 36. I've published a lot of stuff (though not in top journals). Over the past year or so, my teaching reviews have been exemplary (average 4.8 out of 5). I've coached an Ethics debate team that qualified for the National Finals, beating out schools like Georgetown, University of Florida, etc. I've done all these things...and yet I see bright-eyed 27-year-olds at the APA with no publications, maybe 3-4 grad conference presentations, and no teaching experience beat me out for interviews and job-offers not just at R1's but SLACs (yep, places that claim to prioritize all of the things I think I've demonstrated abilities at). Again, I don't mean to diminish what people in grad school have accomplished...but I feel like Sisiphus. I've done all this...and for what?

My wife tries to remind me that I'm lucky. I know I am -- and, in my better moments, I feel that way. My worries -- my suffering -- are first-world problems. There are many, many people out there who have it far worse than I. I live in a beautiful place, have a wonderful wife, a goofy dog, I love philosophy, I have a great deal of passion in the classroom and derive a great deal of satisfaction seeing my students learn and succeed. But still, most days, it's hard to get out of bed. I want a home. I want to start a permanent life with my wife. I don't want to worry every single day that I'm going to fail her by never getting a TT job, etc. But worry I do. Every second, minute, and hour of every single day.

Comments

[Jason Chen]

This was a very heartfelt post and I'm very sorry to hear that you worry about your future everyday. I wouldn't be surprised at all to hear that other philosophers experience the same thing. I just got into a PhD program so I'm not in the same position as you, but I expect the road ahead for me to be similar.

I'm glad to hear that you love philosophy despite the hardships that you've had to go through. I think that's the most important thing to keep in mind for us, that we do it because we love it. For me, it has always been about fighting for justice, and even though I know it'll be difficult for me to get a TT position, I see myself fighting for a higher cause. And that makes all the difference.

[elisa freschi]

Marcus, I am frankly admired by your honesty, introspective ability and generosity (with your students, with your colleagues and fellow "philosophers" who read you and who benefit of your blog). I hope you will reach what you deserve and if I were in a search committee I would be really impressed by all of that (especially by the way you run this blog, notwithstanding all the rest). May I just say that your other pieces on gender equity make me think that you should not worry about "failing her"?

[Chike Jeffers]

A vivid, instructive account and a very great start to this series. Thanks, Marcus.

[Matt DeStefano]

Thank you for sharing all of this with us, Marcus. Like Elisa, I am very impressed with how honest you are with your struggles. It's comforting to know that other philosophers feel similar worries.

[Marcus Arvan]

Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone. I am very appreciative of your thoughtful and supportive comments. I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend.

[Duncan Richter]

This is a wonderful piece--thanks for writing and publishing it. I'm curious about the flipped classroom idea in philosophy. Can you say more about what kind of reading responses you require, and what kind of group activities you have your students do? Or is there anywhere you know of that describes such things? There are some (very welcome) examples here: http://www.teachphilosophy101.org/Default.aspx?tabid=103, but only very few so far.

[Marcus Arvan]

Hi Duncan: thank you for your kind comment and questions.

The daily reading responses I have students complete are always the same. They are asked, in no longer than 1/2 page double-spaced, to:

(A) Summarize in their own words a *single* important claim from the reading, and
(B) Motivate a serious philosophical question or worry about it.

I grade them on the importance of the idea they summarized (is it important, or a trivial point unrelated to the author's argument?), how accurately they summarize it, and how well they (briefly) motivate their question or worry. These get them to think about the material and lead to great class discussions.

The group assignments are somewhat different. Sometimes I have one group assignment at the beginning of my lecture (asking a question or two about the reading) and then one at the end (asking a question or two about my lecture). Other times I sprinkle the group assignments in the middle of my lecture, to get them to think about arguments I've just presented.

Typical questions for group assignments go something like:

"What is Philosopher X's argument on p.Y, second paragraph? Summarize it in your own words. Next, raise an objection and state how you think Philosopher X would/should respond."

"I just put Philosopher X's argument into premise-conclusion form. Is the argument valid? Is it sound? (Are all of its premises true?)"

These also lead to great class discussions, not to mention opportunities to clear up misinterpretations (which helps them read more accurately for future classes. Because group assignments make up 20% of their final grade, they have real incentive to learn from their interpretive mistakes!).

[Duncan Richter]

Thanks! I might give this a try.

[Marcus Arvan]

Cool! But I suppose I should warn you in advance. It is a *lot* of work. I spend a ridiculous amount of time grading, and I'm not sure most people have the stomach for that much of it! But, in case, I think it is worth it for students, so I certainly advocate giving it a try. I hope you find it useful!

[Rachel McKinnon]

What's your grading load with these assignments?

[Marcus Arvan]

Rachel: 3 classes of 25 students each. So that's 75 individual assignments Tuesday and Thursday, in addition to 25 group assignments twice a week (students are split into groups of 3. So, basically, 100 graded assignments every Tuesday and Thursday.

[LC]

Thanks so much for posting this - this really reassured some of my biggest fears. I know this wasn't your intention. But, as someone who is still in a PhD program, at this point I really have no desire to get a philosophy job after I graduate.

Obviously, this isn't the first time I read about someone's experience as a VAP, but this is the first time that someone who is so brutally honest about his struggle. This really depresses me. It is not only because of the job prospect, but I simply feel *ashamed* to be part of the field because of stories like these (in addition to all the other known problems, such as gender equality, racial diversity, and so on).

I can't help but to think that I will be happier if I simply get an office job in a city that I like after getting my PhD. I may get my soul crushed, but at least I can start my life in a place I choose.

[Kristina Meshelski]

Thanks for sharing Marcus and thanks for your efforts to make this blog a truly supportive environment. Really like the idea of the series too. When I have a minute to spare would like to write one.

[Santiago]

Dear Marcus,

I have also assigned weekly reading responses, but usually just grade a third of them (more or less randomly, and I rotate the students I grade). Students don't know when their work will be graded, but still get a chance to *do* philosophy on a daily basis.

I'd suggest you try this out to ameliorate your work load.

[Rob Gressis]

I do something similar to Marcus, albeit only half-assedly.

I teach in a large state school in the Los Angeles area (California State University, Northridge). I have a 4/4 teaching load with two preps. I have about 130 students this semester, and my approach is as follows, at least for my business ethics and intro courses:

* on Thursdays I give a PowerPoint lecture on the reading I would like them to do on the following Tuesday. I do this so that they can know what the reading is about before they read it. This is important because even when my students do their reading, they often don't understand what they read.
* on Tuesdays, I give a quiz on the reading. What this means is that about one a week I have to grade 105 quizzes, which takes me about 70 minutes. I also do in-class discussions on issues related to the reading.
* the upshot of this is that I have to prepare only one reading a week and spend just over an hour grading every week for my three business ethics classes.

[Marcus Arvan]

LC: for what it is worth, it still doesn't make me want to leave the profession. Every time I drive downtown where people have "real jobs" I feel lucky and privileged to do this for a living, despite my struggles. I also still love philosophy as much as the day I started, and still get a rush of meaning and purpose in the classroom that I don't think I would have with a "real job."

[Rachel McKinnon]

Marcus, 100 assignments/week?! That strikes me as way too much grading. I wonder if part of why you're so busy is that you're doing it to yourself with stuff like that.

Thoughts?

[Marcus Arvan]

Hi Rachel: yes, it is a *ton* of grading. But I've found it's what I need to do to (A) get my students to really learn and (B) receive the kind of student reviews I want. Is it too much?

I guess I'd say "too much" is in the eye of the beholder. I really want a tenure-track job, so I'm willing to work myself into the ground to do it. Second, I really want my students to learn -- and I've found the method works *wonders*. So I'm willing to do because I want to be a great teacher. Finally, it hasn't gotten in the way of publishing.

You'd be surprised at how efficient you can get with grading with some practice. It *used* to take me forever, but now I'm so accustomed to grading so much I can grade assignments pretty thoroughly in the blink of an eye. It may sound like a lot, but it's really not so bad!

[Rachel]

Yes, I know how efficient one can get. I've done my fair share of marking. I also have high teaching evals (avg 4.4/5).

My point is that it's still too much grading. I doubt that the only way, or even the most efficient way, for you to get good teaching evals is through piling on the grading. Honestly, I think this is a reasoning error many VAPs and adjuncts make viz. teaching. Putting this much effort into your teaching might make you *LESS* attractive to search committees, since it makes you look like a VAP/adjunct. None of them put this much work into their teaching. You should care about your teaching, sure, and it certainly helps to innovate, but it won't get you a TT job. I conjecture that in some cases it'll hurt you, additionally because you're making yourself way too busy.

Working yourself into the ground won't necessarily help you in your goals of a TT job. You want to do good research, good teaching, and be well rested and prepared for the market season. Having worked yourself into the ground won't help you achieve those. Be a good teacher, not a great one. Being a great teacher will land you VAP after VAP, but won't necessarily help you land a TT job, and it may harm you in some people's eyes.

[Marcus Arvan]

Thanks for your comment and advice, Rachel. I guess I'd rather be a great teacher, not just a good one. If search committees are looking for people who aren't that great or don't strive for greatness, that's their decision. I won't sell my soul for a job. I don't do what I do because I want a job. I do it because I want to be great at what I do. I owe it to myself most of all to be the best that I can at what I do -- at research, at teaching, whatever. If search committees look down on this sort of thing, then I really don't know what to say. I guess I have more faith in quality (and people) than that; that if a person becomes good at what they do, people will notice. If not, I'll go do something else with my head held high.

[Marcus Arvan]

It's also worth noting that I don't see my teaching efforts cutting into research. Quite the contrary, most of the articles I've published in the last two years emerged from teaching, and I think the effort I put into teaching leads into that (I had far fewer research ideas before going on this crazy teaching regimen). So, while it might seem bizarre to some -- including search committees -- it seems to be optimal for me all around.

[Rachel]

Of course, this set-up may be optimal for you (and perhaps others). My comment comes from having a friend very much like you. She was bemoaning her heavy marking load, and I asked her what assignments she gives that produces her massive marking load. I quickly realized that it was self-imposed: multiple quizzes, tests, and papers, AND she allows students to submit drafts for the papers (and she gives detailed comments on everything). The sentiment is great, but it's just unrealistic, on my view.

I think it's great that you want to be the best teacher you can, but that *has* to come at the cost of something else. I completely grant that teaching and research can dovetail (it does for me as well!). But suppose a 3/3 load (which may be light for a VAP), spending >10hrs/week/course is a recipe for disaster. That leaves you with about 10hrs/week for research, and 10hrs/week for professional development or service. And that's a 50hr week!

Seriously, do a time audit of your week, and see if it's really reasonable. My point has been that you don't need to work 60+ hrs/week to get a TT job. You're doing more than you need to, and doing more is quite possibly leading to worse overall outcomes for you. I get that you want to do everything in your power you can, because if you don't manage to get a TT job, at least you tried your very best, right?

But that's the wrong way to think about it. Rather, you should think about what will maximize your chances of getting a TT job. (Of course, this is almost utterly opaque!) My contention is that doing >50hrs/week of work won't maximize your chances. Doing *everything* you can, putting in 70hr weeks, not having weekends, not having a work/life balance, will end up worse for you. ...just a conjecture.

"Work smarter, not harder." That's all I'm saying. If I were teaching 4/4, I wouldn't be putting in >8hrs/week/course (all in) into teaching. It's just unreasonable to do more.

[CA]

"Work smarter, not harder." That's all I'm saying. If I were teaching 4/4, I wouldn't be putting in >8hrs/week/course (all in) into teaching. It's just unreasonable to do more.

Typically when one is hired to a 4/4 teaching position the expectation is that it is a full-time teaching job. Unless one has additional expectations for scholarship or service, one ought to expect to spend 10 hours a week for each of your courses (roughly).

[Marcus Arvan]

Rachel: I just don't think about things that way. I don't approach life in a strategic manner. I've always thought it is more important to pursue things for their own sake, and let the cards fall where they may. Why? In part because I think it pays off in the end (it always has for me, even though it often takes me longer to get to where I want to be than many of my peers). I very much am "the road less traveled" kind of person. I don't just want to succeed. I want to do great things. Call me a romantic, call me a fool. I'm exactly the kind of philosopher and teacher today that I always wanted to be. Whether that's good enough for others, only time will tell. But I prefer to have faith. My faith in doing things "the right way" has paid off many times. I'm not willing to stop now. But I appreciate your concerns.